Kanda Yu: Blocked
by moontoga29
Summary: Kanda was having a not so minor problem. Kanda tries to reveal his crush on Allen to said moyashi...and fails miserably. In which Kanda is grumpy, frustrated and retains the power to disperse any crowd within seconds.
1. Kanda Yu: Blocked

**DISCLAIMER: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino, TV Tokyo, Funimation and TMS, (As far as I know that's all of them) and seeing as my name is moontoga29, I do not own D. Gray-man, making this story solely for entertainment purposes.**

**A/N: First of all I'd like to point out that I will always regard this story as 'Kanda Yu: Cockblocked'; however, due to that rule about having an all-ages appropriate title kind of prevented that.**

**Second of all, I am crystal clear that Kanda is out of character. (In the sense that he gets all frustrated over our wittle Allen, oh wait!) Why did I do this? To show the kind of writing that I won't be doing as anything other than a joke, which is what this story is. When I'm writing serious stories I will make absolutely sure to keep everyone in character, so no worries.**

**WARNINGS: This story has SWEARING and lots of it, if you have never heard the words fuck, shit or hell before...well you have now, but if you're not comfortable with them or not of age I suggest that you do not read this fan-fiction.**

**MATURE THEMES are mentioned in this story, namely cockblocking. If you aren't comfortable with them or not of age, I suggest you do not read further. Also if you plan on reading but do not know what cockblock or any variation of that means then please only look it up at your own peril, you can probably get through the story without knowing the definition.**

**This is my FIRST FAN-FICTION so I can't guarantee its greatness, but reviews are loved. Please tell me about any errors be they grammatical to technical. **

**This story contains MILD SHOUNEN AI, BOYBOY, GAY LOVE themes as well as LUST. Again if you are not comfortable or old enough to handle these themes please read no further.**

**Also in Kanda's view I refer to Allen as 'moyashi' in this fan-fiction and not 'beansprout'. Why? Because that's how I decided to write it.**

**Finally, this story is a JOKE, A PARODY. It's meant for entertainment, please don't take the context seriously or don't read.**

**Without further ado, thanks for clicking and I hope you enjoy!**

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**Kanda Yu: Blocked**

Glaring at Allen for about the fourteenth time that day, Kanda Yu exited the dining hall in a completely collected, not at all frustrated, fashion. But not before shooting another glare Allen's way, of course.

You see, Allen had effectively ruined his breakfast, good mood, day and _life_, all with that blissfully unaware, ever-present, ever-fucking-annoying smile splitting his stupid face. As one can expect, Kanda was not pleased.

How exactly did Allen ruin Kanda's…well, life?

"By being a stupid, naïve, oblivious, thick-head of a moyashi. Sitting there, eating to his stomachs content and completely ignoring me, while I'm here openly staring at the moron!"

Kanda was having a not so minor problem. You see, Allen was not the brightest bulb in the closet, but we already knew that. The real problem was that Allen was so _much _of a stupid, naïve, oblivious, thickheaded moyashi that he had failed to notice Kanda, or, more specifically, Kanda's rather large infatuation with him.

This was all foreign to Kanda, which didn't exactly help in making his situation any less aggravating.

Storming through the corridors of the Black Order, the unexplained purple cloud surrounding the Japanese exorcist warned all passersby to go shrivel away in a hole somewhere, unless they had their hearts set on being knocked-the-fuck-out. Like the Red Sea, the occupants of the formerly crowded halls parted to form a pathway for the fuming samurai in what experts have dubbed the 'Kanda Phenomenon'.

Allen's ignorance had been welcomed, even endearing, when Kanda had still been in denial. But months of trying to tell Allen that he liked him being thwarted by this ignorance tended to have the effect of pissing a guy off. Who knew?

He had tried everything he could think of to get Allen's attention. Kanda had never been particularly interested in the romance scene, but he did know a few of the tricks of the trade, courtesy of growing up with Lenalee. He knew that young girls would beat up on boys that they liked. Kanda considered this approach for about a minute before coming to the conclusion that Allen probably wouldn't appreciate getting better acquainted with Mugen. As an afterthought, Kanda also recognized that he was in no way a young girl.

Scratching that option, Kanda recalled that young boys teased the girl they liked, calling them names, pulling their hair and the like. Seeing as Kanda had already given Allen a perfectly credible nickname, he decided to follow this course of action.

It was a shame that it failed miserably.

For weeks he taunted Allen relentlessly. At every opportunity, Kanda poked fun of his old-man hair, (lack of) height, naivety and overall moyashi-ness. He shadowed Allen's every move with an expertise and finesse only a sexually frustrated samurai could possess. Allen couldn't make a move without his own personal tormentor breathing down his throat.

And Allen, like the moron he was, hadn't immediately fallen in love with him.

Kanda then decided that perhaps a more mature tactic would be more effective.

In an attempt to discover a new tactic, Kanda listened to Lenalee gush to him about her romantic life during their meditation sessions. After discreetly taking in everything she said, including the stuff that made no sense, he discovered something shocking. Apparently, the way to show a person that you liked them was to befriend them and show them a better side of you, not treat them worse.

It was so simplistically moronic that it just might work on the moyashi.

Now, Kanda couldn't change his personality. He would always be a cold, socially-clueless misfit, but he started to show the moyashi certain niceties. He kept the nick-name, but he was nicer in his own way. Kanda gallantly rescued Allen from Lavi's teasing, Lenalee's scolding, Komui's insanity, the Finders whispering and Allen's own self-consciousness fully expecting the moyashi to be appreciative, and run to his arms, proclaiming his undying love for him.

The stupid, naïve, oblivious, thickheaded moyashi hadn't even batted an eyelash.

Finally, Kanda resigned to staring openly at him for extended periods of time in hopes that he could telepathically implant that he liked him into the moyashi's thick head. Unfortunately, Kanda did not possess psychic abilities, so this resulted in yet another failed attempt at enlightening the stupid brat.

Why hadn't he just declared his love for Allen in a stupendous, rose-coloured, clichéd, fan-girl-approved way before boinking him into the nearest wall?

Simply confessing to Allen had been out of the question since the beginning. Although Kanda was the blunt take-you-by-surprise-holy-shit-there's-a-sword-in-my-face kind of guy, he was not the type of man who gives in first. The moyashi would have to come to him, that is, if the moron ever grasped the not-so-unfathomable concept that was Kanda's ability to have a crush on said moron.

And so, hapless, irritated and engulfed by a still unexplained purple cloud of doom is where we come back to Kanda, seriously abusing his Moses-like power.

It is truly unfortunate that Moses retains no power over rabbits.

"Yu! Hey, Yu!" came the cry from the Black Order's version of a furry, otherwise known as Lavi.

The samurai's hastened pace was proved futile against the almighty hopping skills of the Bookman Junior Bunny-man.

Said rabbit looked positively ecstatic at his accomplishment, as he should be.

"So Yu, I see you're coming back from the cafeteria. Did you by any change see our cute little Allen there?"

Far too late, the soon to be road-kill realized that provoking the wrath of Kanda by mentioning the object of his frustration was not the best course of action, as he was reunited with his old friend Mugen.

"D-did you get polished since the last time we met? It looks good on you…" was Lavi's stuttered response to the blade under his nose.

"Unless you want to be deflowered by my Innocence, I suggest you get the fuck out of my sight, rabbit," was the level warning uttered seconds before the samurai was left in a cloud of bunny-hop induced dust.

Sheathing Mugen with a huff, Kanda set off through the halls of the Dark Order once again. Activating the Kanda Phenomenon once more, Kanda marched towards his room where he would devise a final plot to 'enlighten' the moyashi.

Perhaps more drastic methods were called for in this situation…

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Lavi bounced through the cafeteria doors and over towards where Allen was seated, looking slightly more twitchy than usual.

"Good morning Lavi, are you alright?" Allen said around his never dwindling mountain of food.

"Morning Allen, I'm fine, but I ran into Yu and I was wondering if you knew anything about it…" Lavi trailed off when he saw a smile spread across Allen's face as the white-haired exorcist demurely sipped his tea.

"Allen, what did you do to him? He looked absolutely cock-blocked!" Lavi asked shakily, suddenly pitying the poor Japanese man. No one deserved that.

"Oh don't feel that bad for him, I plan on giving him what he wants. I'm just making him work for it," Allen said in a sickly sweet way that reminded Lavi of the boy when in poker mode.

Allen had long since left the cafeteria when the Finders found Lavi frozen in the desolate hall. Shaking their heads at the rabbit, the Finders placed a blanket over Lavi's shoulders and took him to the infirmary. He showed no signs of reprieve from his shock, though he did repeat one peculiar phrase over and over…

"Allen is so dark…"

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**EDIT A/N: I hope we all enjoyed the version specifically edited for commas and that some of you got a few laughs out of it. **

**I may or may not be posting the epilogue that has been asked for, depending on whether or not I can brainstorm an idea that would go with the original shot and show the repercussions of Allen's cockblockage.**

**I'm in love with constructive reviews; I miss them like a dehydrated camel misses water. Please, quench my thirst! I don't want to shrivel!**

**A happy unhello to you all! - moontoga29**


	2. Allen Walker: Totally Boned

**DISCLAIMER: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino, TV Tokyo, Funimation and TMS, (As far as I know that's all of them) and seeing as my name is moontoga29, I do not own D. Gray-man, making this story solely for entertainment purposes. I also do not own William Shatner or his amazing acting skills, if I had his talent I would not be writing fan-fiction. Nuff said.**

**A/N: I'd like to say thanks to everyone who reviewed and liked Kanda Yu: Blocked. This is really just an epilogue to show the moral of my story, cock-blocking is bad. Also I wanted to write something in Allen's POV. This chapter is not as funny, in my opinion as KY:B, but I still enjoy it. Again this story is a parody that is resultant of my twisted and bored mind.**

**I am also somewhat saddened that no one caught my allusion in KY:B. 'Wrath of Kanda' = 'Wrath of Khan', but whatever. It's not as if my stories have any lack of Star Trek references in them.**

**WARNINGS: This story has a fuckload of SWEARING, were you a sheltered child and never found out what fuck, cock, ass or shit mean? This is probably not for you. MATURE THEMES are mentioned, specifically cock-blocking. This story contains SHOUNEN AI, BOYBOY, GAY LOVE and definite LUST, so you've been warned if you think gay is not the way, are underaged etc. This is also a continuation of FIRST FANFIC, epicness notwithstanding. Finally this is PARODY, if you don't feel like laughing, try navigated towards the angst section.**

**On a side note, if you notice that the sentence structure is VERY similar to KY:B then bravo for you. I'm using parallelism. Why? Creativity, yes. Continuity, always. Laziness, maybe a bit. **

**Without further ado, I hope you enjoy my attempt at wrapping up the plot ~ moontoga29**

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**Allen Walker: Totally Boned**

Stalking quietly through the dimly lit corridors of the Black Order, Allen Walker rounded the corner of the training hall in a completely composed, not at all paranoid, manner.

You see, Allen had effectively screwed himself over, under, backwards and sideways all because he had been bored, angry and slightly horny. As can be expected, Allen was now sufficiently concerned for his neck.

How exactly had Allen royally fucked up his own life?

It all started on the night of Allen's arrival at the Black Order. Climbing up the cliff on which the Black Order stood, he had been completely unaware of the imminent pain and insanity that awaited him beyond those gothic walls.

Allen was hosting a not so subtle grin as he remembered. You see, it would be an understatement, possibly that of the century, to say that Allen and the samurai had been less than cordial to one another. In Allen's defense, Kanda had been asking for it.

This would have been a perfectly admissible excuse, save that Kanda had previously reserved it.

Skulking creepily down the dark halls, the unexplained, ever-present, ever-fucking-annoying smile that split Allen's face warned any onlookers that Allen Walker had finally lost it under the weight of his own maniacal genius. Like the window that had the misfortune of crossing Kanda's path over a month ago, the formerly functioning portions of Allen's mind shattered into a million shards of crazy in what experts have dubbed a total fucking mental breakdown.

On Allen's behalf, it should be noted that this was the most impressive total fucking mental breakdown known to the Black Order. It could also be noted that tonight was the anniversary of Allen's first encounter with that maddening devil, General Cross Marian. Who knew?

He had noticed every single detail. Allen had never been particularly savvy in the romance scene, but growing up with a womanizer could do that to you. He knew that young girls would hurt boys they liked, that young boys would taunt girls they had crushes on and stubborn teenage closet gays would pretend to ignore your existence, be inexplicably angry all the time and sneak glances at you when they thought you weren't looking. Allen had considered these factors for months after his first meeting with the Japanese exorcist before concluding that Kanda was completely, though not flamboyantly, gay. Almost as an afterthought, Allen had been marginally surprised at the samurai's sexuality, though the hair finally made sense.

A tell-tale grin had leisurely seeped its way onto Allen's face as understanding sunk in; Kanda had a hard on for him and, knowing the touchy exorcist, would rather shove Mugen where the sun don't shine than admit it. It had seemed that a confession had to be forced out of the unsuspecting Kanda Yu.

It was at that point in time that the cursed exorcist had sprouted a pair of unexplained and foreboding horns atop his white head. An impish smirk smeared his face like molasses on a fox and his eyes cackled with elation, for he had a plan, a sly and devious plan.

It was this plan that had undoubtedly fucked Allen up the ass, so to speak.

But oh was it magnificent! It was a plan so marvelous, so peerless that even the gods of seduction and debauchery would have bowed before him!

Allen Walker was going to cock-block his love struck little Kanda Yu. And what a cock-blocking it would be!

For weeks he had seduced Kanda mercilessly. At every checkpoint he licked the ice cream off of their cones, pushed up against him, trained shirtless in front of him and even bent over at random intervals to pick up imaginary fallen objects. He flaunted his body and administered every scheme with an efficiency only a man raised in lusty brothels could uphold. Kanda couldn't turn a corner without fear of death by nose-bleed.

And the samurai, like the BaKanda he was, hadn't immediately ass-rammed him.

But Allen from months past didn't fret, for his plan was flawless, his will iron, his path steadfast, and his target growing more frustrated by the hour.

During an attempt to uncover a new method of temptation, Allen had overheard Lenalee crying to Kanda about how difficult it was to love someone and not telling them. After analyzing every faint expression that ran across Kanda's face, Allen had discovered something shocking. Apparently Kanda had been trying, and failing, to tell him how he felt. Following the appropriate fan-girl like gushing, Allen laughed delightedly to himself.

This was just too perfect he could have sworn that God really did love his clowns.

Now, Allen couldn't have been too obvious. He had to block Kanda's advances with the utmost precision and grace whilst feigning innocence. Allen's poker face was always up for a challenge. Allen had dutifully dismissed Kanda's loving actions, eluded his telling touch and met his lustful stare with ignorance fully expecting the Japanese man to violate him sexually in a burst of repressed emotion at any given moment.

The poor, unknowing, cock-blocked samurai merely stormed off, leaving a trail of cutting glares, injured rabbits and distinct purple clouds of doom in his wake.

Finally, Allen relented that Kanda had been substantially cock-blocked. Thus, following Allen's interesting encounter with Lavi in the cafeteria, Allen had contentedly finished his tea, called the necessary Finders to tend to Lavi and walked off to bed smiling brightly.

It was now a month later that the unthinkable happened. Kanda Yu knew. Allen didn't know how, he didn't know why, but Kanda knew. And he was angry. And he was livid. And he was smiling.

And Allen Walker was fucked.

It took a mere half moment for the thought to register and then there was nothing, nothing but the broken pieces of Allen's panic-oppressed mind. Allen underwent the correct lamentations. Why had he been so cruel? Why hadn't he stopped when he found that Kanda was trying to confess on his own? He could've stopped! He could've lived! Why had he tortured Kanda for his own sick enjoyment when now he was going to be skewered onto the nearest wall? Why, brain, why?

Allen's brain was incapable of responding considering its newfound residence of pretty little pieces upon the floor. Though the intact remains of Allen's mind had no qualms with stalking through halls in a ninja-like manner, breaking down in a melodramatic fashion reminiscent of William Shatner and, of course, talking to itself.

And so, crazy, paranoid and maintaining a creep factor of over nine thousand is where we return to Allen, hiding from Kanda in the training hall, clutching onto the wall for dear life.

It is truly unfortunate that this specific wall had been the victim of one of Kanda's Allen-induced tirades and thus felt like seeing Allen suffer.

"…Moyashi?" came the ill-omened call of the Japanese man from behind the terrified Allen Walker. Allen's evasive skills were thusly proven no match to the samurai's cunning. Oh, fucked, thy name is Allen!

Said totally fucked moyashi looked absolutely petrified as he turned around to face the deathly beautiful man, as he should be.

"Moyashi, what are you doing here?" Kanda inquired wickedly, leaning closer to Allen menacingly, cornering him with his body, capturing him with his eyes.

Allen saw Kanda's lips moving, but no words made it to his brain aside from cries concerning his untimely death, unattained hopes and dreams, prayers for mercy and many apologies for all the wrongs he had committed, like sending that recording of a drunken Lenalee and Cross to Komui.

But most of all he mentally screamed his regrets of never defeating the Earl, not being able to walk forward, breaking his promise to Mana, disappointing his friends, not saying goodbye, never abandoning or even fulfilling his spectacular plan, never k…Kanda.

Allen looked up at Kanda piteously through his eyelashes, awaiting death when he realized that Kanda had stopped talking and was staring at him expectantly. Was he giving him a chance to explain himself?

Allen wasted no time in lighting up like a teenager at New Years and throwing himself at the dumbstruck samurai.

"Oh Kanda, I'm so sorry, I'll never do anything like this ever again! Although you must admit, it was a wonderful plan, I just thought you needed a push in the right direction, I mean, I thought that you never would have confessed to me if I hadn't cock-blocked you, I just wanted my plan to work so badly that I couldn't think straight! I like you so much, and I thought that you would just cave in and fuck me into a wall, but now because I was so stupid I'm going to die and it's going to suck and I'll never even get to k…Kanda?"

Far too late after his lengthy and breathless confession Allen realized that Kanda had the most adorable yet unnerving look of confusion on his face. Never mind the fact that they were both pressing flesh with each other.

Allen panicked, it couldn't be…

"Y-you did know that I was just cock-blocking you so that you would confess to me, d-didn't you?" was Allen's stuttered question to the Japanese man towering over him threateningly.

Allen watched, horrified, as Kanda's expression changed from one of endearing confusion to that of terrifying, shit your pants scary, unadulterated wrath.

"What did you just say, _Moyashi?_"

The carnal growl fell on deaf ears as the white faced boy fell against the samurai in a dead faint.

* * *

Lavi bounded into the infirmary and over to where Kanda was seated, beside the bed-ridden moyashi.

"Good morning Lavi," Kanda said, eerily cheery, from his spot on the hospital bed.

"M-morning Yu, I mean Kanda. I was wondering how Allen was doing…" Lavi finished lamely as he saw a smile spread across Kanda's face causing all the birds within a five kilometre radius to migrate to the south a few months early.

"Kanda…" Lavi said shakily, backing away slowly from the imposing Japanese man.

"Lavi, if you don't mind…" Kanda let his sentence hang in the air as Lavi scurried out of the infirmary.

Kanda turned his attention back to the unconscious boy beneath him. He edged closer to the unsuspecting boy asleep in the bed, his body and breath heating his unfortunate prey's pale skin. Kanda's eyes clouded over when he saw Allen's flutter, open and widen in horror.

"Morning Moyashi, you're mine."

Kanda smiled darkly and closed the gap between them.

Allen is so fucked.

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**A/N: It has been said before, but I never tire of saying it, I am CRUEL to characters. I hope you all enjoyed the finale of KY:B, I know I did.**

**Reviews are the Al to my Ed, they make me better. **

**(In case you're wondering what is with the random review related rants, I have a theory that if I ask for reviews in a memorable fashion, I'll receive more.)**

**An unhello to all ~ moontoga29**


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